I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
