so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
