dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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