how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
