Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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