you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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