Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
