i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize