You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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