fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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