my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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