I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm just crazy horny about you
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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