remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
