I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We need a shit load of segways right now
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Is Oprah even human
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
