My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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