Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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