How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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