Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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