Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
