woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
