I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
