so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
