Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
