I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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