I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
