I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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