Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Someone shattered a urinal.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
