I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
