This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
