Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
