I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
