Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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