life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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