Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
