i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize