You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
