i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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