I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
