sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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