it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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