How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im six kinds of drunk right now
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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