I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
