He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
