Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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