I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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