So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
