Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
