she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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