Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
