he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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