Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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