i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize