Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
