i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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