How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
