textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
